Tuesday Thoughts 04

22 Oct, 2024

As I am wont to do, I have a collection of thoughts here that I'd prefer to collect in a single post instead of writing something separate for each one. Sometimes they are linked, but most of the time they're distinct. You can read my series of "thoughts" posts here: previous thoughts

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For today I actually thought about trying something slightly different: a long-form post. Writing long-form in itself isn't necessarily different from what I usually do, but rather it is different for my specific type of post that I do for "thoughts". One of the things I journalled about recently¹ is my desire to write, or create something, that is read widely. I started writing a post about this last week but I was suffering from some temporary interictal confusion (a topic upon which I need to expand some day) and various sounds and distractions were seeping into what I was writing, and as I look at the text I wrote out it is only somewhat coherent. While most of this post is stream-of-consciousness, I have pulled some bits from what I typed up a few nights ago.

Writing is always on my mind; at one point I thought about it in terms of "what can I do to make money?" Or "what can I do to get more people to see my stuff?" At this stage in life (I'm 40, for context) I've let go of those kinds of writing dreams. I'm not doing this for the money, or for thousands of "likes" or subscribers. I'm doing this for me, and if people contact me to tell me they read my posts, then I'm happy with that. Yes, absolutely, it would be amazing if I was able to write something to a large audience on a regular basis but I haven't put in enough work to get to that point. And that's the heart of what I realized while journalling: I need to put the work in if I want to get "better" or produce the kind of work that I want to be writing.

Stepping back a bit, one of the realizations I came to when I was journalling is that it's extremely difficult to avoid comparing myself and my work to my peers. Even recognizing people as peers is hard when the default mode of thinking is "I'm not as good as they are". But a way to twist that negative thought train on itself is instead to aspire to be like the people I'm comparing myself to. If I'm aspiring to reach their level, then I'm more inspired to put in the work and write what I want to see. Instead of diminishing myself and making myself feel like I'm not worth anything, I can step back and see that, yes, by my standards I have room to improve, but I can improve. What I've done so far is not terrible and not worth less than what other people are doing. It's just different.

Admittedly putting in the hours to get to where I want to be is something I struggle with. I have so many things I want to make and achieve but I get frustrated when trying them because I'm expecting immediate success. Everything takes work, nobody becomes good at something overnight. Another comparison would be trying to lose weight - you have to actively make changes and an effort to see any results. Doing nothing isn't going to result in any significant change.

This post is an example of putting in the work. I like what Véronique is doing with her Pencil Booth newsletter, and other people are doing similar things. In short, thoughts on a topic (or multiple topics) at a regular clip, whether that's weekly or monthly or "whenever I get to it". The form doesn't matter. What I'm getting at is while I enjoy writing short blog posts, they don't always feel "put together". That's because I 100% write things as they come to mind, and I don't put much polish into them. I know - the example I gave (Véronique's newsletter) isn't an exact 1:1 comparison to what I'm trying to do - I think she writes things off-the-cuff for that newsletter as well, but what I'm drawn to is that she has a format she sticks to and you know what you're getting when you see a new note pop into your inbox.

Do I want to start a newsletter? Probably not. But I do want to make something like this. Whatever "this" is. What I know is that I want to write something that I would want to read. That's how I approach podcasts - I make something that I'm interested in listening to.

But the point is that I need to write and work on what it is I want to do. I'm not going to get to where I want to be otherwise.

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I recently pulled out a copy of an anthology published as part of a writing workshop / program I participated in back in 2002, when I was 18 years old, in high school. I haven't re-read the story yet but I recall not feeling entirely proud of the short fiction I submitted. My bio is especially cringeworthy:

Stephen Gower currently attends Merivale High School, and hopes to be accepted into Carleton's journalism program next year. He loves writing and has several absolutely smashing stories lying about the house, but has not yet published anything of significance. This is the first time he's submitted his work to be published.

Not only did I go to Carelton for a BA in English, but I switched to a BA in English with a minor in History in my second year, and eventually dropped out and went to college for Radio Broadcasting. And, that would be my only published piece of writing to date (if you don't count the short article I wrote for Carleton's Charlatan newspaper, or my hundreds of blog posts online).

I'll plan for a cover-to-cover read (which I've never done of this anthology) for November, after I've finished the "spooky" reads I've got going for October.

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Things I still want to write, but am procrastinating for whatever reason:

• Interictal confusion
• Write-up of the "Dreamy Sounds" mixtape I created over the summer

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